Wednesday, April 18, 2012

A Freshly Opened Window.

For anyone who wanders by here, I've decided to open a separate blogspace for m'self over here. I will keep this place open because it represents a huge chapter in my life, and maybe I'll post here if I'm in a dark mood not to be shared in my family rant place. I guess, if you knew me here then you are welcome to the light side of Maiden-crazy.

Have at you, and blessings to all.

I was raised by Bane, kind of, and all I got was his blog and my winning personality. Seriously, come over because it's getting lonely and I'm gonna keep posting anyways. I wish he was still here to mock my whimsy and correct my grammar, but I'll take all those who kept his 'company' any day.

Friday, November 11, 2011

Thank you.

I can never pass up an opportunity to say thank you to our veterans and their families. I love our service members and I love our country.

On a more personal note... I never thought I would have to tell my daughter not to eat so much sausage at once. Her life just flashed before my eyes. I'm going to need more fire arms in the house. God bless America!

Wednesday, October 19, 2011

Gone again, gone again. What shall I do?

When you’re with me, I hold you tight. I smell your neck, I love the night.
When I’m alone, slumber seems unreal. Your touch is a memory, surreal.
I grab the sheets; I smell the thread… unholy torture, this lonely bed.
To toss and turn is some respite, to wear me out of this late fright.

Tuesday, June 21, 2011


I like it.
I love it.
I wanna ruck the shit out of it.
MmMMmmm, I love odd-shaped balls!

Stand up.

My personal opinion:

Craig Ferguson- way to be funny and not give a shit. For the most part. He thinks he's more 'adorable' than he really is. But I fuckin LOL'd and had a good, lonely time.

Whitney Cummings- I tried to watch her gig and her voice was so annoying that I wanted to tie her to a chair and punch her in the vagina. Other than her horrible chalk-board-voice she thought she was funny talking about women being bitches, but she was just a bitch.

Louis C.K.- Currently watching and very entertained. I'm always impressed when one human is able to put their pride aside for an audience just to tell them about their... umm... shit. HA!

Friday, June 17, 2011

This lonely nerd...

Is going to bed.

I thought about playing video games and having another drink. I thought about writing an amusing letter to Husband. I even thought about cleaning something... briefly. But then I decided that my gremlins would probably appreciate a half conscious mommy in the morning. So, Goodnight.

Yeah... so. About that.

Thanks, Chive.

Howdy Neighbor

I'm currently sitting on the deck outside my bedroom. It's so fucking beautiful here. I live on a goddamn lake. We have otters floating on their backs, we have fish jumping up for the bugs on the surface. My dock is loaded with the neighbors kayaks so that who ever wants to jump in a paddle out, they are welcome. It's beautiful.

Every single one of my neighbors is a veteran. EVERY one. Across the street, we have retired SF Hombre. The first night we moved in to this awesome fucking house Husband went to take out the garbage from the new-move-debris. 3 hours later he comes sauntering in with a new, middle-aged friend looking for some more booze and an igniting element for some C-4. I laugh and drink and laugh. There is a measure of excitement for our new, exciting world. The men who had came through my new home seconds earlier had been goofing about the neighbor who was head of the home owners association and how funny it would be to set explosives off of his dock. I continue to laugh and drink thinking: men will be men. And then an hour later the windows in the new house shudder and shake. They did it. They really set some shit off on this guys dock.

Then a couple of nights later we're sitting on our dock after the kids have gone to bed, we're drinking... every one's drinking. Husbands best friend from four hours south is visiting. He's a Ranger turned fire-fighter. Hombre and his wife are over. Everyone is having some semblance of drunken/ sophisticated chit chat until Hombre says 'Fuck this, I'm jumping in the lake. Come one you pussies!'Soooo... we all jump in the goddamn lake. Meanwhile, our immediate neighbors to my current 3'oclock think that someone had too much to drink and fell in the water. They turn on all their porch lights and ask if every one's OK. Hombre's immediate reaction is 'Turn that fuckin light off! We're trying to swim out here!' or something like that.

3'oclock is forever butt-hurt. They were only concerned and thus treated like church-going-party-poopers. All of this occurred last fucking August and now Husband and Hombre are both away for work, in different ways. Only now am I achieving some semblance of civilized neighborly relations with 3'oclock. Oy.

My morning dump.

I should change the name of my blog, heh.

I'm multitasking now, that's for sure. I'll be on my way to traffic court here in a bit. Apparently when I moved to one of the five different states I've lived in during the past seven years I finally lost track of one of my vehicle registrations. Now I'm trying to file for registration in my home state just to keep it simple but it's taking weeks. Here's hoping for one more continuance.

The first time I went to court here I was so nervous. I didn't know what to expect and I really didn't want to lose my license over something stupid. So I went all out: business skirt and heels, organized folders, I actually wore earings for shits sake. When I got to the lobby of the court room the gaurd told me to just sign in and take a seat. When I entered the courtroom I was shocked to find 90% of the 40+ people in the room were fat larpy rednecks. Some in pajamas, most with an ass-crack hanging out. I was definitely over dressed for the party.

To be continued...

*flush* muahaha

Got the continuance. Was self-nominated best-dressed once again. Now I'm just curious to see if they'll give me another continuance. Maybe I can put this off 'til we move to KY. Just kidding... I'm more responsible than I give my self credit for.

Tuesday, June 7, 2011

To all things, a purpose.

Wasn’t this kind of torment meant to leave me by the end of high school?

When I was a teenager I did a lot of drugs, smoked a lot of weed, popped the pills and drank the booze. I smoked all the time and I never banged anyone because I thought all the dudes trying to get their fingers down my zipper were evil predators. I knew it was wrong. I hated everyone I knew. I hated myself. I knew, for a fact, that there was no way I would live past fifteen. I lived life accordingly. What would you do if you had already decided you had maybe two or three years left to live with no hope? I ran my own life. Being so young, I didn’t have to worry about bills, rent, family. It was only me and I was selfish. But at the same time I figgered, hey, if no one cares about me, why should I care about me? Abandon hope, ye who enter adolescence.

Abandonment. No one with a conscience ever wants to admit that they’ve abandoned something in their life; goals, commitments, relationships… morals. What happened when I turned fifteen? I died. Was it God? Was it youthful exuberance and painful desperation? Was it just the pitiful need to get my ass to church because maybe if I could at least be allowed out of the house I would be able to bum just one fucking cigarette? God, I hated those years of my life. I hated being alone. Surrounded by countless fuckheads just to look around and see nothing. I see people integrate all around me. I see people that seem happy with their social and emotional wealth. When did I start listening to Feist? When did I trade my fearlessness for a timidity that I can’t explain? Have I just inhaled too many ass-fumes from changing five-ten diapers a day for the past few years?

There comes a time in life, at least for me, when I have to question if I have really found the balance I have forever sought. Normal feels wrong. Immorality feels wronger. Here I am influencing the lives of small, beautiful, wide-eyed gremlins and I don’t know what to tell them. It is a weakness I battle on a daily basis. Do I train them to be fierce warriors that will stand up for whatever they are passionate about? Or do I equip them to play the game of integration. A lot of questions, I know. But perhaps I’ll sleep better tonight just for the asking.

Monday, June 6, 2011

Your mom.

First of all, fuck you morning. Every damn day, you just keep coming back. Nobody likes you. And the people that do, well… probably don’t have kids. And the people that do have kids, and still like mornings, fuck you too.

Here I am again, blog, in that strange ass-crack of life where this is the only place I have to rant, bitch, vent. I guess it’s not the only place I have, but at least I’m comfortable here. Where do I begin? It has been about a month since my last confession. And then I have sinned by leaving weird, incomplete poetry in its wake. I can’t help but laugh smugly to myself. Haha at you for reading it. But seriously, to those who still check in here, bless you, ya sweet weirdos!

Husband has been gone about a month now. He’s in SUT training for the SF Q-course. Sometimes I forget what a badass he is. For the most part I just see the beer drinking, video game playing, kid-rhompasing nerd. And then it’s like ‘Oh, you have to go learn how to be a ninja now? Alright… I’ll be here when you get back.’ While I pick my nose and drink coffee like a schlub. He keeps promising he’ll teach me everything he’s learning when he gets back, but we both know that our free time (aka, when kids are sleeping) defaults to beer drinking and video game playing. I miss my best friend.

Have I mentioned lately that I don’t like people? We’ve been here since last August and I’ve had a lot of mom-friends come and go. For those of you that don’t understand what a mom-friend is, let me define:

Mom-friend – That chick you see at the park that has kids similar to your kids' age. Upon first impression you quickly size up multiple factors (think of dating). Is she fit? If so this is a good indicator that she won’t be sitting on your couch while you play with her kids in the event of a playdate. Is she bitching at her kids or do they seem like an easy going family? Are her kids playing nicely with mine? Then you do the friendly smile/ wave that says ‘Our kids are playing together, this is your warning that we’re going to have to make small talk about diapers, what’s-the-best-preschool-around-here, aww-your-kids-are-so-cute. Blah blah blah. Let’s have a playdate some time’. And then you get together every now and then but never actually have a full conversation because there are about 3-4 tiny gremlins circling your feet as you climb the furniture and try to escape their little gnashing teeth and grabbing, sticky hands.

That’s a mom-friend. They can eventually evolve in to an actual friend but this is less common. Especially when you live in an area where there is a shit-ton of military families and all these bitches keep running home to their family when hubby leaves, or their hubby gets orders to PCS, whatever. There is an extremely rare case where a mom-friend can be allowed to know who you really are without being scared away. The things you may want to keep in your pocket and save for a later time include: Drinking, light moderate or heavy, this is something that can make or break a potential mom-friend relationship. Always never tell a mom-friend that you are an avid WoW player. There are way too many moms out there that resent the fact that their hubby plays it when they could be watching Grey’s Anatomy and snuggling. Or even worse, there might be the mom that has been stuck with gremlins while their hubby is raiding or some shit.

*Note- If there are any hubby’s out there placing video games before family and scorning your wife then you are Douchebag. And wives, if your husband is a gamer and you are not, try playing with him for a little bit, it could do wonders for your marriage.

Anyways, hubby and I are big-time-closet-gamers. It just doesn’t go over well with all these hyper-alpha personalities in the super-human American league trying to become SF (this is me laughing smugly again). Just to throw a tangent in a tangent, I feel a need to say that playing video games is the new gay. You can be openly gay in the military now, but don’t fuckin tell ANYone that you’ve got an 85 priest. You know you’re all out there. Why do we have to hide from each other? And if you have a community of gamers that support you, be thankful. I lost my point… Ummm. Moms!

Moms are a necessary evil. The need for mom-friends is even worse. I don’t like kids, but I love and adore my spawn. For some reason that is beyond me, they love people. They didn’t get this noble trait from their parents. So I do my best to socialize them. And I actually do pretty damn well considering small talk (especially about potty training) is like torture to me. And I’ve tried getting real and honest at the play ground, just to see who would stick around. Unfortunately, that approach tends to make people skitter. There was one really cool chick I met who seemed desperate for a genuine conversation as well. We became instant friends. I liked her a lot and hope we meet again someday because (big fucking surprise here!) their family had to PCS.

I think what I’m trying to get at is that I’m currently in the social flux where I have no mom-friends. I’m in the market. I’m dating. I’m getting out there and I’ve gotten a lot of numbers. People are interested. I’m a catch. In case you’re reading this and wondering: no, there was no housing available on post. I live in an awesome community with lakes to swim in and nature to be explored. I love it here. And the sun is officially up now, so it’s time for me to suit up and get ready to put on my best sane-person impression. Aren’t we all?

Friday, May 27, 2011

If you're returning or new

I feel I must warn
whatever you hoped
was temporary scorn
is here to stay
in a most painstaking way
permanent, hopeless, beneficial
to my
supportive growth
be it forehead or groin
be it spleen or appendage not known
to some strange abyss
you're involuntarily thrown

When you are lonely
when you may be intoxicated
when you have only
the precisely
do you pursue decency
or do you neglect
the things which have
no sway
or effect

Sunday, May 22, 2011

These days noobs call it emo.

Close your eyes
You know you want to
Just the promise of someone genuine
You want to seek peace
You seek a release
Yet your soul bares something more real
You look for solace
You look for blameshift
You might seek a hero or heroin
But before lies
something you despise
And all along it was


Two shadows stand before one another. The first says: I'm here to torment. The next says: I'm here to reveal. Then the first replies: What difference is there? and the second reels back and reveals: I'm not here for you, I'm not here for me. I simply come here to show you the discrepancy between life and death. And the first lunges forth and snarls teeth bare: Why must you desecrate a life so foreign and rare? And Second recoils and reveals it's spoils and turns to worthless dust. And the First has realized it's position in trials and decides it must be: Thus.

Monday, May 9, 2011

Dormant Psycho Personality

There are times when it comes out. Too much to drink. Not enough friends. But there is one element that can coax the monster. This element is stabbing my heart, choking my breath of love and pissing and shitting in my bed. If I could have it my way, upon entering this web page expecting glowing white words, in their place some strange enraged beast would come tearing through your computer screen as you read this. Drool flooding unabashedly, eyes wide and red and digital words exploding before you. My mate has been called away and I want nothing more than to create a path of fearsome destruction billowing behind me as I stomp and trudge through dark terrain until I find scent of my love and embrace his shocked and tired body and just fucking tear back home and become a soft loving wife once more.

Friday, November 12, 2010

Oh, and another thing...

Since I wasn't here yesterday. Happy Veterans Day.

Thank you, from the bottom of my heart, to all who have, are, and will serve our country. Those who are gone will never be forgotten. Those who are fighting now, my prayers are with you. Those who are home safe with family and friends, my heart wells with joy for your many blessings.

That's all.

Echos of Sept. 22

Every time I come to my own blog I remember September 22. I don't always want to. Even now as the tears come to my eyes all the memories come rushing through my brain like a fucking hurricane. Then I start writing and I wonder when the fuck I became so emo. I haven't watched the news in a long time. I haven't been reading. I haven't been writing. What the fuck have I been doing? Oh yeah... potty training one. Wiping the others' ass. Play dates. Cooking. Cleaning. Husband lovingly calls me 'Mommy-rella'. Not to be demeaning, he just recognizes how domesticated I've had to be. We all make sacrifices and mine are minimal compared to countless numbers.

And then there was rugby. One night after I got the gremlins to bed I googled 'women's rugby' in my area. I've never played before but I needed an outlet. So I e-mailed the chick and she said come on out. I fell in love. Where else can dikes, school teachers, housewives and medics come together and beat the shit out of each other and then drink beer? I suck at it (not the beer drinking...). I have a lot to learn. But man, it's so much fun. And now I have something all to my self so that when I look my spawn in the eye's come morning I no longer feel like they have sucked the life out of me. Try as they might.

I've also been exposed to a variety of different parenting styles of late. I am typically someone that craves perspective and.. shit. I just got bored with my self. Maybe I'll come back to this one in a little bit.

Other such things

Occupying my time...

I don't mean to sound like a fag er nuthin, but there's just something peaceful about focusing on the details of a strangers' face. There's still lots of work to do on this one...

Wednesday, October 20, 2010

Withering Blog

I need to water this place with more booze... it has almost lost all of it's life and color. I think it might be time to nurse it back to health.

Sunday, October 17, 2010

Testes... Testes... one, two.

Holy shit have I got a bag of bones
In my closet, close to you
In hiding, in silence
Don't be scared just look behind
Your shadow, yes right there
In the corner, meet your coroner
Don't you cry
Just bare it all
I see your skeleton bare, now
Are you ready for a scare?
You think that some horror
is coming
But the horror is already there

Happy Halloween.